No my name is not Lizzy and due to a long term relationship I’m significantly less thin than previously, however The Boy’s Are Back In Town.

I can only apologise for my Summer absence. I could fob you off with an honest “oh well, I was drunk for most of the Euro games, and then didn’t really care about the Olympic football” but no, you deserve more.

I WAS KIDNAPPED. But it’s cool, I escaped. I’m struggling through a severe bout of Stockholm syndrome for my Somalian captors, but other than that I am in tip top condition.

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Original entries were.
Nasri, Rvp, Adebayor. Terry, Barton, Shawcross, Pulis, Suarez.

Submitted entries are.
Chamakh my bitch up, Cole (cashley), El Hadj Diouf, Mo Gold, Arse and finally Oleg Luzhny.

Voting will close Wednesday night and I’ll have that bitch ordered in a heartbeat.

Merry democracy

May I start this post by giving my heartfelt thanks to all who donated. It was a truly magnificent display of generosity, the fact that much of the donations came from people who I haven’t had the fortune to meet in “real life” particularly impressive.

Donations will continue to be accepted until the end of today.

Luckily the wonderful Josh George pushed me over £100 (100 bloody pounds!) and out of the dreaded “Shawcross zone” and into the “by popular demand” zone.

Here’s how it’ll work.

Each person who has donated will have the opportunity to suggest their own entry to enter into the vote (eg Bergkamp, or Bumface) alongside the original options. Then ,once all options are collected, I’ll send out the final list consisting of the originals and new additions. Then each person will receive one vote each which will be weighted depending on their donation. So a person who donated £5 would have a vote worth 5 times as much as a person who donated £1.

Obviously with submissions, nothing that would get me arrested. Otherwise, the world is your oyster.

thanks again, you bloody beauties.

http://www.justgiving.com/Mike-Robertson

 

UPDATE

A reminder of the original choices.

RVP, Nasri, Bale, Adebayor, Suarez, Terry, Barton, Shawcross, Pulis.

The new Arsenal top has started to look at me with the kind of sultry glare which Prince would sing about.

This is where you come in.

I don’t usually get a name printed on the back of my shirts, in fact I never have. And other than a slight incline to have ‘Ramsey’ stamped across my back I would most likely have left my new Arsenal top in its deliciously naked state. However given the recent death of my Granddad from a stroke, and the previous deaths of two other Grandparents from strokes, I thought I might be able to raise money for a cause I’m a little too familiar with

So here we are, the future of my back is well an truly in your generous hands. Depending on the total donations recieved I will have a different name printed on my back, all suitably cringe worthy.

£0-£9 will get you RVP. A man leaving in disgrace, soon to have left.

£10-£19 will get you Nasri. Messy break up, he still calls when he’s drunk.

£20-£29 buys Bale. The best player in the world, ever.

You may be thinking “these are a bit tame”. Calm down young Jedi. The plot thickens

£30-£39 will buy you Adebayor; plastic furniture magnet.

£40-49 buys Suarez; buck toothed national anthem lover and genitalia impersonator extroardinaire.

£50-59 buys Barton; McDonalds pugilist/philosopher

£60-74 buys Terry; Great shagger, rubbish human.

£75-£100 buys Shawcross; Loves his mum, hates welsh bones.

And finally, over £100 would buy, well whoever you like really. I was thinking “Pulis”; the cap loving goblin prince. But we can have a vote if it gets that far.

Even if you just give £1, it would be cool to see how far this could go.

All of the donations will go to the charity. Cost of printing and the shirt itself will be paid for by me.

please donate here
http://www.justgiving.com/Mike-Robertson

Part 2/2 of “is RVP a cunt?”

Within this article I’ll play devils advocate to try and appreciate the motives of Van Persie without the clouded logic of a fan.

I don’t think it will come as a surprise that money is likely the main motive. Robin  has acted shrewdly in releasing his mutinous open letter masquerading as a “fan update”. It looks like a transfer request, it feels like a transfer request, and it will do the job of a transfer request. But the crucial point is that RVP has not made an official transfer request, so is still entitled to the lucrative signing on fee at his new club. By releasing his cleverly disguised transfer request he has made his position clear, he wants away immediately and so his transfer fee will be slashed as clubs realise that Arsenal are between a cock and a hard place. They can keep a player who has been openly critical of the direction of the club, effectively criticising the quality of his team mates, for the final year of his contract. This would be a huge blow to club morale and risks causing a rift in the club between players close to Robin and those loyal to Arsenal. It would also mean that Arsenal receive absolutely no fee for Robin as he leaves on a free at the end of a disruptive final season. This method is clearly completely unfeasible, although the comedy value of watching Frimpong pummel “DEEEENCH” into Robins car with his bare hands should not be discounted. The far more likely option is that Arsenal will accept the reduced fee, and bid farewell to Van Persie as he moves on in pursuit of riches and glory.

While the (likely) money oriented actions of Van Persie may seem reprehensible to fans, it may be that we would feel differently if the sums of money discussed were actually offered to us. It’s easy to talk about how important it is to stay loyal and to have integrity when you don’t have to sacrifice one hundred thousand pounds a week to do so. For the vast majority of fans, earning one hundred thousand pounds a year is an unrealistic ambition. Now imagine having to sacrifice 52 times that, every year, just so people you don’t know will praise your loyalty. To put this into context, by staying at Arsenal, Van Persie would likely be missing out on at least double the lifetime earnings of an average UK citizen every year. And yes, he’s unlikely to qualify for benefits if he decides to stay on the ‘meagre’ wages on offer at Arsenal, but it’s equally unlikely that any member of his family will ever earn anywhere near the money he’s currently on. At 28 (coming on 29) with, realistically, 4 lucrative years of football remaining, he may feel the pressure to earn the sums of money which would enable his children, and even future grandchildren, to live without any financial difficulties whatsoever.

The other possible motive would be the desire for glory seemingly unattainable at Arsenal. In his debut season Van Persie won all the honours he would ever win with Arsenal. Making his debut as a substitute in the Community Shield and then contributing in the successful FA cup campaign of 04-05, coming off the bench in the 82nd minute to score two goals against Blackburn in the semi final and also coming off the bench for the final against Manchester United. To taste success instantly, then realise over the coming years that repeating that same success is slowly becoming less and less likely must be incredibly frustrating. Particularly when international team mates, Robben and Sneijder are tasting glory at the highest level. Between them they have won; the Eredivisie, Bundesliga, Serie A, La Liga, Premier league, all respective cups and the “highest prize in club football” the Champions League. Yet all Van Persie has to show for 7 seasons at Arsenal is an FA cup medal from a competition where he was largely deployed as a substitute, and a meaningless Community Shield medal.

Of course the peculiar thing about players complaining about droughts of success is that they never seem to accept responsibility for the drought. As pointed out by @7amkickoff, in the season of 05-06 Arsenal were just 4 points from taking the league from Manchester United. Yet due to injuries Van Persie featured in just 15 league games, completing the full 90 minutes only twice in the entire season. Would his input have been sufficient to push Arsenal over the threshold? Likewise in the season of 10-11 when an injury from international duty led to him playing more games for the Dutch national team than Arsenal. Add this to the fact that half of all Van Persie’s league goals have been scored since  2011, with this season the first time he’s breached the 20 league goal mark, and you have to question whether Robin can exclude himself from the underachieving Arsenal of recent years. One and a half magnificent seasons out of seven is hardly a good return on Arsenals investment.

As mentioned at the start, I was merely playing devils advocate here. For Van Persie to jump ship as soon as he’s actually started to fulfill his potential is infuriating. With the fact that it almost certainly cements Arsenals status as a stepping stone for promising players on their path to the elite teams of Europe making it a particularly bitter pill to swallow. As for the glory he may go on to achieve at his likely destination of the Etihad, it will surely be tainted by the fact that it was not achieved with Arsenal. It wasn’t achieved at the team who almost completely shaped him as a player, a team surrounded by people who were there for him when he was misfiring and injury prone, and a team where he had achieved almost messianic status with the clubs fans. When he achieves his future success he will be surrounded by a team of mercenaries and a coaching staff who only “risked” taking a chance on him after he was already the Premier League’s top scorer and available at a cut price fee. The fans will love him like they love a new games console. A shiny trinket which they’ll enjoy for the next two years, until it’s obsolete and they toss it onto the scrap heap.

By staying at Arsenal he would definitely have been sacrificing a huge amount of money, and would be unlikely to achieve much, if any, success. But he could have put an end to the “feeder club” status and convince the other young stars to stay with him, he would have repaid the constant faith shown in him by Wenger and the rest of the coaching staff, and he would almost certainly have been cast in bronze outside Ashburton Grove on his retirement. It’s a shame he didn’t feel this would be in his interest and while I wish him no ill will, I’d be quite happy if I never heard of him again.

 

UPDATE

The Verdict

It has been pointed out to me that, while providing both arguments I didn’t make a definitive decision either way. This is the problem with being your own editor, you don’t pick up on things like that. Also if somebody else was editor I’d imagine they’d say “are you sure you’re going to be ok with having the word c**t in the title?” I’m generally not against saying it, but It’s been said far too much and I feel slightly uncomfortable about it now. Live and learn.

For the record I don’t think he is a (whispers) cunt. It’s incredibly disappointing, for the reasons mentioned above. For me Robin always seemed like a player who might actually have been able to resist the lure of the colossal riches available at Man City. A player who viewed football as an art instead of as a business. In hindsight maybe it was unrealistic to expect the huge fish to stay in a shrinking pond.

There’s no doubt that Robin has been very poorly advised, his statement clearly aiming to use the good will generated by a tremendous season to divert the negative press associated with a big money move away from himself and on to the Arsenal board. The reaction on twitter shows that very few fans have been fooled by the cheap illusion and instead of leaving a hero like Thierry Henry, he leaves in disgrace like Nasri.

It’s a shame that it’s ended in such a mess. The sooner he leaves the better and as I said before, while I hold no ill will for him I really don’t care about him any more. I don’t hope that his every move after leaving Arsenal is a total failure, but I also don’t hope he evolves into an even deadlier striker. He can do what he wants, I’m done with him.

Part 1/2 of the “is RVP a cunt?” series.

RVP is a cunt.

He’s fucked us. For all the talk of “being honest with the fans”, he’s fucked us. If he’d kept his mouth shut and not released his patronising, disrespectful statement which reeked of agent involvement then maybe we would have been able to recoup a decent fee for him. Not now though. His statement carefully designed to leave no “but maybe’s…”. Talk of disagreements with the clubs direction and a catty aside to a fictitious “2 week holiday in America” for Ivan Gazidis. With that statement he smeared his cock in cat nip and leaped into the lion pit. Now we’ll have to hope that the predators encircling him and his eagerly spread cheeks will chuck us a bone.

Maybe he doesn’t owe the fans anything. He’s had so many frustrating seasons but with that last sublime season perhaps he paid us back. We’ve never really taken a chance on him, never really been that involved other than sympathy when he was injury afflicted and deliriously happy when he was soaring.

Wenger is another case entirely.

Arsene took a chance on a gobby little shite from Feyenoord whose poor attitude had largely confined him to the bench. He stuck with him throughout the numerous injuries. Always trumpeting his belief that RVP was one of the best in the world. A belief which, before the last season and a half, would generally be met with “hoho, alright then Arsene.”. He gave him the responsibility of being club captain. The chance to be a figurehead for Arsenal. The chance to inspire the younger generation and to lead the Arsenal he supposedly supported as a boy. He was already the best paid player at the club and would have received a deal which required the strict wage control at the club to be completely disregarded. Yet at the very first opportunity Van Persie has sold Wenger down the river. All the years of work he had put in to finally allowing Van Persie to realise his potential completely disregarded by a crass statement designed to lower his transfer fee and thus increase the money available for his new wages.

To disregard fans is understandable. They’ll sing when you’re winning and scream you off the field when you’re not. The utter contempt he has shown Arsene Wenger cannot be justified.

Cunts will come and cunts will go. But Arsene will always be there to pick up the pieces after yet another betrayal from the Fabregas’ and Van Persie’s of the world. If this sorry episode has shown the fans anything it’s that the loyalty of Arsene Wenger is a rare and beautiful thing which should not be taken for granted.

The current set-up in Scottish football is moronic. For those who may be hazy on the details:
* Top division is SPL. 12 teams. 1 team is relegated.
* SFL run the next three divisions, each of 10 teams.
* One team promoted from Division One.
*  One team relegated from Division One.
* Ninth team in Division One plays a playoff with 2nd, 3rd, 4th in Division Two.
* Same system operates between Divisions Two and Three.
* There is no relegation from Division Three.
* In each division teams play one another four times.
* And there’s the super crazy split at the three quarters point of the SPL season to dictate who your last set of games is against. After 33 games, the division is split into two halves. The teams then just play once more against the teams in their half. And the teams are fixed in their half, so the 7th place team usually finishes with more points than the 6th place team. [THIS IS NOT A JOKE. THIS IS THE GENUINE STRUCTURE OF LEAGUE FOOTBALL].

All of the above makes my head hurt with its stupidity. Every season is like groundhog day with minimal turnover in teams, and multiple meetings against one another. And the very bottom end is a closed shop.

Regardless of the Rangers issue, the entire Scottish football system needs to be entirely revamped. And a solution should be found for that, over and above any Rangers issues.

There are 42 teams across the SPL and SFL. There are only just over 20 proper-sized football clubs in Scotland (clubs with crowds of 1000 or more). The rest are amateur-sized munchkins.

They need to stop the playing one another four times per season. They need to become a real league, a sensible amount of proper-sized teams playing one another twice per season.

All the leagues need to be run by one body. A new body with all new staff. Purge the morons of the SPL. And draw up a whole new set or rules and league regulations. Particularly with clear rules on punishments for financially mismanaged teams, administrations, CVAs, dual contracts, and liquidations. And paying keen attention to rules around suspensions and match officials’ working conditions and neutrality.
And perhaps also even do something similar with the personnel, structure, rules and regulations of the SFA. Make the new ruling bodies genuinely independent and non-partisan. Rid the league’s ruling body and the SFA of any perceived Old Firm bias of one direction or other.

The structure of the leagues is the most important part. It is difficult to get right though with the limited number of proper size teams. This is how I feel it should be laid out, with proper size divisions and sporting integrity:

* One top national division of 18 teams. With two teams relegated per season.

* Then a second national division of 18 teams. The top team promoted. And then 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th have full playoffs to decide promotion of one to the top division.
And two teams are relegated from the second national division.

Then a regionalised pyramid structure of amateur or semi-professional clubs below all of that.

The only flaw in that is a weak 2nd division, but that is pretty unavoidable. And you would hope that all the aforementioned improvements to Scottish football would lead to an improvement in the attendances, finances and playing quality of the likes of Ayr, Berwick, etc.

For me the restructuring should be entirely regardless of the Rangers situation, but with the above scenario I would place Rangers in Division Two with a substantial points penalty for at least one season. But this isn’t about Rangers.

Scottish football needs root and branch reform, a blank piece of paper and an entirely new league structure. And it needs to be created with sporting integrity, regardless of the Rangers issue, and without bullying or media-grandstanding.

The SPL and SFL have emailed the SFL clubs with their own pair of proposals, but they both sound regressive and bad for the gamehttp://t.co/Oa9KlllD

The SFL clubs seem in no mood to be railroaded by the authorities, so we’ll see how all this mania pans out.

Turbulent times for Scottish football.

by @tom7p

Follow us on twitter @feetballsblog

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